The Sexual Revolution Is Here – Your Love (And Sex) Life Are About To Get Transformed

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For many, 2017 will go down as the year their most significant pipe dream saw fruition – the year sex robots became a reality. Connoisseurs of the one-night stand have been deleting their profiles from various online dating platforms  ever since this seismic transfiguration occurred.

Why bother with the laborious process of dating when advanced technology now lets you create the ideal partner you desire, right down to his penis size or her vital stats, which is then delivered to your doorstep?

In fact, even as you read this, scientists are using AI to develop interactive sex dolls that supersede human contact. If you’re wondering how this paradigm shift will affect your romantic liaisons in the future, here’s an overview of other fascinating products to expect in the coming months.

January

A brand new year calls for brand new kissing skills to pad your amorous repertoire with. Introducing: the Bubble Kiss, a piece of alcohol-laced, chemically-infused bubble gum that, when chewed just before kissing your partner, expertly directs your tongue to give you and your lover the hottest kissing experience ever.

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February

Guaranteed to enhance the Valentine experience, it’s the most ingenious invention this side of the millennium. Introducing the Sex Bomb – a sexually charged glitter bomb. It totally one-ups the prototypical glitter bomb, which is basically a bomb that explodes when its packaging (ahem) is opened, covering EVERYTHING in glitter dust. The Sex Bomb explodes in much the same manner, but in addition to spreading glitter everywhere, it also causes particles of sexually charged glitter to be inhaled by the opener of the package (ahem). These particles then travel through the package (ahem) opener’s nasal passage, into their brain, giving them multiple orgasms. This could be a precursor to the dirtiest, glitteriest sex you’ve ever experienced.

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March

If the Sex Bomb is too primal for your taste, how about the instant-date website and phone app, The Nose Knows, expected to launch this month? It works like previous dating portals have, except that this one uses nasal sensory software to help you find a compatible partner. You get a whiff of a potential partner’s pheromones via your computer’s sound system, and the website’s software will detect and analyse your physiological reaction through your fingertips when you touch the keyboard. Zip-zap-zoom and you’ll know if the person is worth a first date. Because why waste time meeting for dinner when a single whiff can tell you more.

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April

Let’s play the hit song once again. The Sex Bomb is perfect for an April Fool’s prank on a colleague, friend or even your love interest. If they were to open the Sex Bomb in public, it would be embarrassing for them and entertaining for you. So sit back and let ’er rip. Here’s hoping your victim has a sense of humour.

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May

This one’s for couples experiencing a slump in the boudoir. It’s the Yes Gun, a high-tech laser-beam gun that shoots a ray at its target to evince a ‘yes’ from them. There are initial safety precautions to complete before the contraption starts functioning. You’ll need to upload both your partner’s and your fingerprints and facial features into the gun’s recognition software, to ensure the gun is only usable by both of you. Once that’s out of the way, “Honey, shall we dance?” and “Baby, I’m horny!” will always have a positive response. Have an argument-free relationship, people!

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June, July and August

Businesses are astute. They know that anything that is launched close on the heels of the Yes Gun will fizzle and fail, so they’ve given it a wide berth. Expect to hear nothing but a sonorous chorus of yesses this quarter.

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September

Businesses are also conniving. They’re aware you might abuse the power of the Yes Gun. If you’re guilty, your relationship or marriage will need the help of the AI-enhanced robotic therapist, TheraBot. No more waiting for appointments at your local therapist. Resolve your marriage issues with this handy online buy and get the couples counselling you need, 24/7. TheraBot will be available for pre-orders in June. (I told you businesses are conniving.)

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December

Therapy requires time, so the next launch was cleverly pushed to the end of the year. The Sizzle is artificial mistletoe with in-built perfume that works like a silent siren to draw your crush towards you. The Yes Gun may eventually be banned, but the Sizzle will always be your perfectly safe wingman. It works quite like the popular deodorant advertisement. However, the Sizzle just draws the attention of your crush. The rest is up to you. Happy holidays!

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NB: Excluding the sex dolls, these are all fictitious inventions, so please don’t flood our inbox with queries and requests. Actually, go ahead. Do! We can petition researchers to bring our fantasies to life.

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